Hello! Thanks for Reading!

So I think sense Friday has been one of the toughest few days in awhile. Well actually I think it started last Monday (the 19th). It is a really weird feeling to be content in life. I don’t even know if that is the right word though.

Basically what I am experiencing is a separation between what I know and am aware that I should do and what I am doing. I have felt a struggle against myself that is a really strange feeling. This is not to say that things have not been going well. I finally feel that I have reached the comfort phase (I think I am in the acceptance stage?!?). I mean I know where stuff is, I have been playing Volleyball more, and when I walk through Uni I see familiar faces.

And yet when I make some decisions it’s like I want to make another decision but choose not too. For example, I had been eating rather healthy before I left for break and sense I have come back I find myself indulging myself in assorted pleasure such as chocolate bars and Cokes, yes I only had 2 in a week but I was drinking one a month maybe before. I am aware of the decisions I am making but don’t really want to make the better of the decision. I don’t know why that is I am just aware.

Another one of the hardest things to change is the time wasters. I seem to have to spend a good amount of time wasting time. It is enjoyment on the surface, for example watching 30 Rock, but then I think I could be doing better things with my life. However, I am not sure I want to be doing better things with my life. As in I can always do them later. Here I have found that procrastination seems to be one of the few things that causes stress in my life. And although it sounds completely strange to say I think I am one of those people who needs a little stress in their life. Maybe it is because I am young and still have lots of energy, but I miss the buzz (seriously no pun intended) and excitement of life back home. There was always things to do and comfortable activities going on, and I knew I could always take a day if I needed to.

This is not to say that there are not things going one here, it is just like I don’t know what to do with my evenings. Most of the local student population seems to spend it going out and drinking and that just isn’t me. I have filled some of that space with volleyball, but I mean I miss the rush of having too many things to do and not enough time I guess. Maybe it isn’t even the activities that I miss as much as the people that I was interacting with. Yes I think that is it.

As far as the schoolwork goes, I haven’t felt the challenge too much. Maybe I don’t care enough. Although this week I have two tests, I have put adequate amounts of study time in but still don’t feel too much stress. I shouldn’t because I have gone to all the classes, taken fairly good notes, attended tutorials, and done most of the readings. But I still don’t feel that edge of fear that is a great motivator for getting things done. Maybe it is because I know that I can make B’s here and as far as anyone on the outside know, I’ll still have my GPA.

It is the weirdest thing though to be so self aware that I know I want to make another decision but don’t. It’s like sometimes you are your own toughest opponent.

In order to make some progress I finally sat down last Friday to do some schoolwork. But I think my subconscious motivation was to avoid feeling guilt at not going out for drinks with some of the people from volleyball. Granted, I know only a couple of people by name, and I thought they weren’t going to go, I still think I was just doing the schoolwork as an excuse not to go. Perhaps I was intimidated? Yes I think that is it. But I am not sure entirely if I actually wanted to go or not. Yes, it might have been fun, but I would have been a little far out of my comfort zone. I think if you have someone who you have a good relationship with to go with that helps, but unfortunately (or fortunately I still haven’t made up my mind) I didn’t have such a person.

And I think that is the thing I continue to learn about myself and others. It is the people in our lives that really matter. The things can be replaced but memories, friendships, and experiences stay with us. I find while I am walking and thinking I remember some fun times in my life. Memories that I had sometimes consciously forgotten about. Most of them bring a bright smile to my face. But some of course bring other emotions back. Lessons learned, people hurt, and regrets. Both serve to remind me that I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences for anything material.

While on my tramping trip in Stewart Island I rewrote my Personal Mission Statement to something I could actually adhere to and something I felt like fit me. I will post it below these thoughts.

I understand this is probably really hard to read, but it is what I have been thinking about as I have mental spars with myself. No I am not a crazy person, but what I have picked up is that universally a lot of people are average. Most can’t pick up on subtle clues or just stay at the surface with their conversation. Maybe that is me judging them to harshly but it is what I have concluded so far in my life. The thing is I don’t know if this vast majority of people actually thinks as much as I or any of you in my life do. But what I feel is a truth I have learned here is that it is not worth going through life and keeping it all to yourself. All your thoughts, feelings, and It is about sharing with others. About taking the time to understand and communicate. About making yourself vulnerable is order to understand and forge deeper connections with people.

The last thing I want to say is that of shifting emotions. I have told some of you that I go from periods of extreme happiness to sadness and back again. I don’t think that ever stops. While I still often feel this inner sense of happiness, maybe contentment, there is still the ever changing emotional roller coaster of living in a foreign country, and after talking with a wide variety of other people in my travels I don’t think that you ever REALLY get over it. But I think the perspective I have gained that my culture is not the best or the only won is well worth the struggle with emotions a few times over.

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I apologize for not writing again sooner. (Maybe I need to add that to my plan or goals, which I just realized I haven’t looked at in a few day (prolly not good)). I will aim to update every two days or such in the upcoming future.

In conclusion, I don’t really know what I want you to take from reading this. First, I am honored that you are reading that because it hopefully means I am somewhat apart of your life and I yours. But maybe it is that we are all looking for others to interact with in a meaningful way. The angry guy walking down the street might just need a smile or kind gesture to make his day. The person eating lunch along might want company (this one is a lot trickier, trust me ) But really I think I just want to say to make yourself more open to what life provides.

Anywho, All the best to y’all and your loved ones!

-Mathias Rost

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PMS Revised

Personal Mission Statement- Revised 4/26/10
My Mission is to live a fulfilling life by helping and loving others. I will accomplish this task by keeping to the following tenets:
• I will build positive, interdependent relationships among my family and friends.
• I will listen more than I talk.
• I will suspend judgment of others and form an opinion only after analysis.
• I will seek to learn about new cultures, things, and people.
• I will be a happy, confident, friendly person in all activities in my life.
• I will prioritize my endeavors on high leverage tasks and relationships.
• I will be appreciative and thankful for others in my life.
• I will seek others counsel and help.
• I will find the balanced whole in my life.
• I will help others when possible.
• I WILL PROACTIVELY CHOOSE THE BEST ALTERNATIVE!